FULL...Full to the Tip Top

that's my head with thoughts....blah...
I haven't written in so long and I feel like I am going crazy because I need to write and air my thoughts for the 5 people that read this, yea I know you love me, so I don't go crazy....

On a side note, I have been sucked into the Twilight saga...but I have to say that there is no way I would be taking my 9-10 year old daughter to see it (and no I am not referring to Cameron, she's only 8). I am referring to a friend of mine on FB who I guess thinks it's okay...whatever, to each his own I just think that's a bit much. And better yet she can't wait to take her daughter...I just don't think it's appropriate but what do I know?

On to bigger and better things, I have picked up reading a few good books lately, I am sure it won't last long because quite honestly I hate reading but for now I am going to embrace it and take in as much info as I can.

I am reading "Emotional Survival For Law Enforcement, A guide for officers and their families" and wow....it's scary good if that makes any sense. Good because it is packed full of information and insight and scary because there is a LOT of truth to it and I can see things that make me nervous....sigh....

On another note, while I am full of opinions tonight, here's another one:
YOU ARE NOT BORN GAY, IT'S A CHOICE
JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE
Oh this was a lovely topic at dinner the other night with my in-laws, Lord only knows how we got on this topic but we did and we were talking about this gay guy that I know and I made mention of the fact that he never had a father or true father figure in his life and that it had a huge impact on him. To which my MIL said that had nothing to do with it because he was born that way. I literally laughed out loud quickly disagreed to which her response was that she has done lots of research and you are born that way. Well you can pretty much find research based answers behind anything, true or not.There's someone to argue every point. She wasn't happy when Steve disagreed with her and then his dad on top of it, so needless to say that conversation ended quite abruptly. I just couldn't sit back and be quiet on that matter...ahhhhhh life....Like I told her what I am saying doesn't mean I like a gay person any less by any means all I am saying is that is a choice. Agree or disagree that's up to you...

Thanksgiving is around the corner and this year it's going to be quite different from last year's or any previous years and I think it will be an adjustment. Just to look at how much our what once was a close family has changed so much in a such a little amount of time. Some of the things that have brought it to this point make me sick and absolutely angry, while other things I don't mind changing....ugh...why is life so complicated sometimes? In the words of a good friend of mine "just do what comes natural" what isn't natural also easy haha??? someone please tell me.

Here's another question for you: Why are some people so FREAKING HARD to get along with???? I mean seriously, I don't go out trying to make enemies or being a bitch but there are just some people that no matter how hard you try they make it impossible to have a good relationship with. Sometimes I feel like I am back in HS...didn't I graduate for a reason? Other than to go to college....why yes, yes I did.

Oh and last time I checked, there isn't a cookie man handing out cookies to you for every damn thing you do...do you really need praise for every task you accomplish on a daily basis? Okay I just stepped off my soap box, but don't worry I didn't step far from it haha...

Now jumping tracks to a totally different subject...my great grandfather passed away the night before last and he was 98 years old, 98 wow! That's someone who has seen a WHOLE lot! I am sad that he is gone but happy for him, he lived a great life, still lived in his original home when he died, was surrounded by some of the 13 caring children, set an amazing example for what a good person is made of and was of a sound mind to the end. How many 98 year olds do you know that can say that?? I am also happy that both girls were able to meet him even though Haiden won't remember. We have a few photos with 5 generations, how awesome is that. I realize that I was very fortunate to even be able to know my great grandparents, of which I knew three of the four so I consider it a special opportunity.

Here are the five generations all together:

My great granddaddy, my grandpa, my mom, me and our girls....pretty cool!

I am all over the place tonight, but I warned ya....
Communication
ahhh what comes to your mind when you think about this?
I am referring to relationships specifically....on top of the many other things needed for a successful relationship, communication is one of the top five in my book and I think it needs to be a daily practice for both parties. I mean really how are you really going to survive if you can't communicate. just a thought.

Sometimes I really hate the quietness of this house. I love the quiet nap time, but hate the quiet night time, when Steve is working and I am here alone. I don't like being alone and cannot wait for the day that he can kiss night shifts goodbye! I think I might even throw a party. That's a good idea actually. There are some evenings where after the girls are in bed I enjoy a little bit of me time or vegging on the couch but I wouldn't mind doing that with Steve on the other end of the couch...every night. I know they say distance makes the heart grow fonder but I think it's grown fond enough lol.

I think this job, and I am not blaming everything on the job because there are soooooo many aspects, but I think this job is starting to take its toll all the way around. It's complicated. It's frustrating. It can be rewarding. It has made us change. Change the way we do things. Change the way we see things. Change the way we think about things. Change period. Some good, but some not so much. These books I have been reading are so full of helpful and good information and it makes me wish that I could implement something for the officers in every single police department. This current book makes sense of a lot of things in the police lifestyle and it makes me really sad that as I read this I realize, not ONCE has the PD (and I am not only blaming Warrenton, because I am sure there are thousands of others just like it) ever offered or taught or encouraged anything to do with EMOTIONAL survival of the job. It solely focuses on physical, however emotional is JUST as important as physical. I have always said, you have to deal with what you see on the job or else it WILL come back to haunt you years down the road, at the least expected moment...so why if people know this, why don't they have something in place in every single dept that encourages people to deal with their emotions and encourages them talking to someone instead of it being made to look as a weakness. (again I am not referring to Warrenton, but PDs in general) If anything you should be commended for being strong enough to say yeah I can't deal with what I have seen or experienced on my own, I need help. Doesn't that take a strong person? To face their problems head on because you know that if you do it will make you a better, stronger person and save you sooo many problems down the road. This is so frustrating to me because SO many things could be prevented if an officer were taught about the emotional struggles early on and given techniques and guidance for dealing with the many challenges one will face. They should be teaching this in the academy because there is no officer immune to it and not knowing how to deal with it or how to recognize it will only make matters worse. Every officer is still a human and under that badge is the same feelings you and I would feel when faced with something good, bad or horrific.

I wrote a paper back in college, after my uncle who was a police officer for 22 years died in a car crash. He had been spiraling out of control and I swear there is a good chance he would be here today if there had been something in place to help him emotionally and psychologically. Needless to say it was about how police officers should be required to undergo periodic psychological evaluations due to the stress and nature of their jobs. I feel so strongly on this subject matter because I watched what my uncle went through and knew how sickened he was by much of what he had to deal with and see on the job. I am sure there are some other professions, ie military, that has very similar issues but of course this one is closest to my heart because of my uncle and now my husband who is a police officer...

This is what my brain looks like...cluttered...

I am starting something new this week, something that can only have a positive outcome, something that can only create positive changes, but I am a little apprehensive and happy all at the same time

Frustrated...

As with anything in life, you go through things and want to run away from life for a period of time. Well yep I am right there. Not with my immediate household (THANK GOD FOR THAT) but with other things going on in my personal life. UGH!

Ha Steve and I have joked but not about moving to Tennessee, not to run from our problems, but to have a change of pace. There are some days I really think we need that but at the same time....are we strong enough, courageous enough to really do it? Time will tell I guess.

(disclaimer...no I am not bashing my family, I am just being honest...so if you don't like it....well there isn't anything I can do about it)

Something that has always kept us here is our families. We love them and want to be able to live close enough to see them whenever we want. But as I am sure many can relate, things happen and families grow apart...this is really hard for me because I really never thought this would happen to my family. I selfishly always thought my family was a little bit better, a little bit closer, a little bit stronger, a little bit more true and real and low and behold it isn't. It's like EVERY OTHER family out there. It's is no different, it's not as unique as I thought it was...haha well it is but not for good reasons. Of course I never realized this growing up until now I can sit and look back and say wow....

So what I am getting as is yes while family will still always be there, happy or not, screwing eachother over or not, secrets or not....I am in this life with Steve. Now don't get all pissy, I do care and love many others, but I am runnning this race, going through the adventures of life, with the one person I chose to spend the rest of my life with so why shouldn't we just take off and try something different, afterall we have eachother and our two lovely babies and in some sort of way that is all that matters.

Of course we would miss tons of people and like I said will it ever happen I really don't know but just like I had to do back before I got married, start living for myself and doing what is best for my/our family. I can tell you one thing, life got a lot easier when I started doing that.

There will always be storms that come, obstacles to overcome and mountains to climb, I am sure they would just be wherever we settle down but as long as I am climbing them with the Steve, I think I will be alright. It's funny how if you sit back for just a second and think wow five years ago would you ever think you would be in this spot? Trying to look in the future you would never see it coming!

============ Jumping tracks (haha you like that don't you?) ===================

What happens when a person becomes purely evil and there is no foreseeable (sp?) good left in them? What then? It's pretty scary if you think about it because you have no idea what they are capable of or how much damage they can cause. However, there has got to be an end to the madness somewhere, a big crash, a volcano eruption, a dead end. What makes me sad is you can only sit back and watch it happen and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it other than pray that they only hurt themselves and no one else in the process. Scary that someone can actually completely lose their heart and their conscience and all the good or at least the little of good qualities that were there. Ugh quite frankly I hate it! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!

Haha and then you are left standing there, looking at the rubble...going WTF just happened? I don't mean to laugh but I love him and his expression....have a good day :) until next time...

SLACKER right here!

Yeah I have been totally behind on this, but hey I honestly have been busy. I keep thinking I really need to get on here and then I always run out of time.

So much has been going on the last few weeks, starting with the Strawberry Festival a few weekends ago which was a ton of fun! It was our first time and we really enjoyed it! The girls of course loved it too and it was a beautiful state park. I have never been and I cannot wait to go back! I will post pics later.

On another big note, I decided to take a leap, I seem to be doing a lot of that in the last 6 months and I must say I am kind of liking it, and start selling my nature photos. It is a true passion of mine and I am loving every minute of it. (Nature that is, not so much people) I think even more so than that is people actually like my work and want to purchase it, that is so exciting to me! I got my first photo order and mats in last Friday and it has taken off much faster than I ever thought. I placed my second photo order last night and I am going to the farmer's market in Orange on Saturday with a friend and I can't wait! I can honestly say this is something I love doing, I have always loved photography and almost pursued it in college but took another avenue and of course now I look back and wish I had followed my heart. I still have MUCH to learn but when it is something you want to do you enjoy it so much more. I am thankful for my supportive husband who is confident not only in me but with decisions I make and stands behind me. So we will see what happens right now it is just something small on the side but hey if it were to grow into something larger eventually I wouldn't mind a bit.

We are headed to good ole WV next weekend to Snowshoe, to relaxation, to fresh, crisp air, to beautiful sunrises and peaceful sunsets. I am excited to get away for a short while and Steve of course is ecstatic. He loves it up there, even more than I do. I love it don't get me wrong, but the only thing I am worried about this year is getting my beach fix. It has been far too long, 6 years too long, and I am changing that this year. So come the first week in September that will be the ONLY thing I am talkin about. But for now I am looking forward to this little family trip of ours and being able to have beautiful nature all around me. Which reminds me, I still need to find a babysitter for my bunny rabbit...

This is the first summer in oh like 8 years that I have been able to be at home and I am THRILLED! No, actually BEYOND thrilled. I didn't have to worry about finding childcare, packing lunches, rushing out the door each morning, see ya later's, none of that and it feels great! I just sit and think back to six months ago when Steve and I were faced with, do I quit and stay home? or do I continue working? I can't even sit and imagine how different life would be right now if we had decided differently. I am so happy and the only thing I can think is why did I wait so long. Why? Because of fear of the unknown, that's why. I was always so worried that it didn't work and on paper I didn't know how it would but it has. I am a planner at heart so I need to have things laid out and know the outcome or sometimes I freak out. That's just how I am, but with this big change, it has also made me change my way of thinking and I have learned a lot in these last few months. I can't wait to see what the next year will hold for us, it will be an adventure I am sure!

I just realized I need to take some pictures of Bugsy Blossom aka the bunny!

While at my parents the other day I walked around their yard trying to find any flowers, etc. I found some interesting things...

Perrrtyyy purple 

Honeysuckle...Yum!

Center of a Dogwood flower, crazy how the center of the flower looks like tons of little flowers

New buds on a Pine tree

Tiny yellow flowers

An ant hill, gotta work on this, I really need to get on the ground for this but I refused since it was soaking wet

Lovely Lilly of the Valley

And another beautiful tree budding

 
And some had already bloomed

I Love this little pink flower

It wasn't long before Haiden wanted to jump on the trampoline! She and Cameron had a blast!

It was adorable watching her try so hard to jump...

I know they are blurry but they were having a great time!

Love this! And no Cami's socks are not normally that filthy, she just decided to walk on the wet ground.

Beautiful!

And I just had to add in this one. We were waiting for daddy while he had his stress test the other day and she was patiently waiting for him and was getting cranky because it was nap time...so we tried the ole let's take a picture distraction technique. It worked...for a few minutes at least.

And can I just say I never really realized but I have a pretty controversial I don't even know if that's the right word group of friends. That's not a bad thing, I just find it interesting. It shows at some of the most unexpected moments and I think that it's great that each person has their own views and opinions.

I am the type of person who will tell you my opinion and I will listen to yours however I will not sit and debate or try to persuade you to change your views unless I feel SO very strongly about it that I am compelled to. I am happy to just agree to disagree. I feel like that is why God made each person different and that's why we all have our own views because no two people on this earth are the same. I could go on but I think that pretty much says it clearly...

the storm's aftermath...

I really wanted to blog last night but I had a date....with my pillow...and I couldn't be late for my date so my blogging had to wait.

A short time ago an F5 tornado hit Cameron's room...it was a disaster....

haha well that's how I feel anyways...Steve and I spent several hours in her room with her one evening a few months back doing exactly this. We told her that she would be in trouble if she couldn't keep her room clean. And well 5 months later it looks terrible.

So yesterday Cameron and I had the task of conquering her room. I am not talking just picking up but cleaning, organizing, getting rid of toys that have been ignored for the last 6 months, going through all her clothes, etc. It was a task to say the least. We spent 5 hours straight in there and then took a lunch break and went back at it for another hour. I told her I was ready to get out of her room by the time we were done.

So here it is from the beginning...and it was worse than this but she had started to pick up some.

This corner was really bad...she just threw anything and everything over here.

Not to mention she had done the exact same thing in  her closet...oh and her drawers, oh and the floor... should I keep going?

When we first started I was frustrated and short and somewhat snippy with Cameron because I was upset she had let her room get to this point. I have sent her to her room countless times, told her to pick up and obviously she hadn't been. About a month ago I thought to myself its past the point of her doing it, I am going to have to go in there and help her because she can't fix it on her own and that's where I left it. I guess I was hoping a magical maid would come one day and clean it or that maybe Cameron would surprise me and actually clean her room up and put stuff where it belonged but neither happened so yesterday was the day. After about 15 mins of having a bad attitude I decided oh hell just drop the tude and get it done so it can be nice and neat and then I was better. Cameron's room doesn't always look this bad and normally I don't let it get this bad BUT with that was going on in the last two month's with my grandma and us running back and forth almost daily to Fairfax that was the absolute last thing on my mind. Secondly, I am not a believer in letting my children make whatever mess they want and I just like a maid go behind them and clean it all up just for them to do it over again. I was responsible for keeping my room clean when I was a child and I think Cameron should too. Afterall, if she is in there helping out and cleaning she surely isn't going to want to mess it up tomorrow because she had to put work into making it look like this.

We got a good chunk of it done before we took a break...

we made good progress and got a lot done while Haiden was napping but then she woke up. Surprisingly she didn't mess everywhere we just cleaned.

Is that dresser tops I can actually see? :) Amazing...

And is this a desk top she can actually have space to do her homework on? Oh what are we going to do with ourselves?

And then after a bit more work we were 95% done. We still need to hang her mirror and pictures but daddy was sleeping and you should know you don't wake a sleeping bear....just kidding, he knows I love him...but seriously he sleeps through almost anything but not the pounding of a hammer on a connecting wall to our room and he had only had about 6 hours sleep from the day before so I didn't think it was a good idea.

Oh and how could I forget to mention...yes that is Haiden passed out in the middle of her floor. She said it was way too much work for her, she needed another nap.

Maybe I should take advantage of the space on her wall with chalkboard paint and write KEEP ROOM CLEAN, KEEP ROOM CLEAN x100 or CLEAN UP CLEAN UP EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE, CLEAN UP CLEAN UP CAMERON DO YOUR SHARE  :) just a thought...

anyway back to the perfectly cleaned room.

She wrote me a big thank you note on her dry erase board...how sweet, made me smile and I knew she really appreciated what I had helped her do. I just realized how blurry this pic was...

Now let's hope she keeps it looking beautiful...or else...

As I sit here in this glorious red chair that I am totally in love with and look out the window, I can't say I am thrilled about the snow but I still think it's beautiful even if I didn't want it right now. I was looking forward to lovely spring weather where we could take nice long walks or spend a few hours at the park or just sit outside and enjoy the warmth, but I guess we aren't there yet so I will just have to find the beauty in snow for today. And its beauty is the peaceful silence it brings with it. I love during winter, just walking out at night when its snowing and listening to the silence and watching all the snowflakes fall.

So I took some more pictures of the tree out front the I have been photographing since it started blooming.

I do like when we get a nice white blanket of snow covering everything.

Haiden had her first powered donut today, she wasn't too sure at first. She kept licking her lips which was totally funny because she would stick her tongue out really far. But after a few licks she liked it.

And then she didn't want anymore pictures...

And on a side breakfast note, if you haven't ever tried this jelly you should because it's the best jelly I have ever had. Thanks to Catherine who got it for us.

I think I'm going to go stare out the window at the "nooooooo" (as haiden would say) with Haiden and enjoy the peacefulness and quietness of our home. Can I just say that I am sooooooo thankful and happy that Steve and I have created a peaceful, nurturing, happy environment for us and our children? More on this later but I just thought about this as I sit here writing and I am thankful for many things but for this I am really thankful.